The End?

Warning: This is not an upbeat, positive post.  :-p

Those of you who follow me on Facebook will likely have seen this coming for a while now.  It is time to make a decision about Kentucky.  This is not an irreversible decision, but it will change my focus. While I have firm offers to move to Arizona, Iowa, and back to Hawaii, for now I am planning to return to Iowa.  I will explain more below.

Why did you come to Kentucky?  I felt like God was calling me to Kentucky.  In fact, I felt like Kentucky would connect me to a community that would open door to Germany.

The opinions of those around me varied.  Some were not convinced I should go.  Others, consistently, affirmed that Kentucky was the right place.  At least 3 or 4 people specifically commented on my lighting a fire and/or my footsteps leaving places of fire.

What did I think would happen in Kentucky?  I thought that I would get out of debt and get healthy.  I also thought I would work outside the church - marketplace ministry. I had a feeling I would get the Our Lady of Peace job (I first applied for a position there in April) and that I would see individual therapy clients.  I also thought I would travel and do some teaching on inner healing and trauma and the church. I also planned to create a home base for my mom.  She did not do well traveling between Iowa and Hawaii and needed to be able to pull her stuff out of storage and have a place that she could really call home.

What actually happened in Kentucky?  Three people originally responded to my offer to do workshops or retreats.  All three possibilities fell through.  Apparently, that was not part of God's plan.

I did get the Our Lady of Peace job - 2 months later than originally anticipated.  I just took on 2 new clients, bringing my total up to 3.  I charge on a sliding scale, though, so it only adds up to about $80/week.  The Our Lady of Peace job is on-call only with no guarantee of even a minimal income. I am on the sub list at one of the private schools (which pays just over minimum wage).  I apply for new jobs each week and LITERALLY no one else has contacted me for an interview.  I just get emails telling me that they hired someone more qualified.

Instead of getting out of debt, I have managed to max out all of my credit cards and am currently delinquent on a few different bills.

Health stuff is in progress.

For the first few months I was here, I couldn't break into the Christian community.  I still don't really have a church community.  I have a church I attend and where I serve on prayer team but I have yet to have a conversation with anyone at church who is not a pastor (except on the prayer line).  The pastor, in an attempt to help me find a place to fit, suggested I lead a Spiritual Gifts Workshop.  Not one single person inquired about it.  On the other hand, I have met some neat people through a prayer ministry here, Wellspring.  They have been kind and welcoming.

What happens now?  I have already talked to the realtor who arranged for my office lease and asked him to try to find someone to take over the lease.  I am preparing to write my landlord a letter today.  I am $200 short on rent, but will send in what I have with the note.  I still don't know what I will write.  It kills me to break a lease.  My word should be good.  And I fully expected that I would be able to find work.  I figured if things got tight I would work a couple of jobs.  I never dreamed that wouldn't be an option.

I am looking at job openings in the Council Bluffs, Iowa area.  If I have to move, I would like to get it over with before the holidays.  Mom's stuff will go back to storage.  I will stay with family and attempt to make good on the debt I have incurred before moving forward.  I have no idea how the debt and breaking the leases will affect my ability to find places to live in the future.

How am I responding/coping? Not well.  It is one thing to swallow my pride and go back to Hawaii with my tail between my legs.  But this is bigger than that for me.

1) No one wants to hire me + no one is interested in having me come teach = major rejection triggers.

2) Just this week, I have 2 new clients.  I hate to think about having to terminate their therapy in just a few weeks.  Even in Kentucky, I fill a tiny niche that very few do.  I want to stay and do right by my clients.

3) So many gave words regarding fire in Kentucky + having to move = Either failing in my call or an inability to discern a call.  (I understand spiritual warfare may come in to play here.  The little bit of comfort I have is the passage where Jesus tells those He has sent out to just brush the dust off their feet and move on if they are rejected in a place.  Maybe sometimes Jesus does say to go and the people just don't want you there?

4) The biggest issue is related to my mom.  I wanted to bring her stability and instead, I have brought more transition and upheaval.  A promise of a home, only to pull it away again.  This is what kills me inside.  Of all things to fail at, this one cuts me to the core.

In short, I am 41 years old, unable to find steady work. Unable to pay for my own home. Unable to help support my family.  The idea of trying to start over again is depressing in every sense of the word.  Some days I manage to find hope - though those days are becoming fewer and further in between.

Does God actually have a plan for me?  Maybe that plan is for me to just slowly fade. Do I really get to try and make a difference in this world?  Maybe I just find a way to survive. Is there something "around the river bend"?  I don't know.  It is possible that in the midst of preparing to move something will present itself.

It is possible that the whole group of us were wrong and I was never supposed to come to KY in the first place.  I find myself wondering, is God saying, "Hold on, sweetie, the battle is hot and help has been delayed but it is coming!" or is He saying, "My dear, I appreciate perseverance, but how much longer are you going to keep pounding on a door I am trying to close?"